Looking at the Universe from the Bottom of a Well
by netgirly2k
Summary: Where would be the best place to start when showing the wonders of the TARDIS to someone who in evolutionary terms had only just mastered pointy sticks?


"Don't touch that!" the Doctor bellowed, but it was too late. Either Leela had got incredibly lucky or the TARDIS console had reconfigured itself so that the dematerialisation switch just happened to be under her fist. The time-ship had already dematerialised.

He strode over to the centre of the room, took Leela by the shoulders and moved her away from the console. "Never," he warned, "do that again."

"What did I do?"

"We've left your world."

"I did that?" she sounded rather pleased with herself.

"Yes, purely by accident of course. It could easily have been the self destruct button and then where would we be?" the TARDIS didn't actually have a self destruct button but she wasn't to know that. The Doctor fussed over the console, where was that fast return switch when he needed it?

"And now you're going back to where you came from," he held his hand up to stop Leela interrupting. "No arguments, I don't have stowaways on my ship."

He hit the fast return switch and felt the distant thud of the TARDIS settling onto solid ground. It was only when he opened the door and found himself face to face with a rather surprised family who were picnicking in Regents Park that he remembered that the fast return switch didn't work. 

"Lovely day for it," he addressed the picnickers. Then he carefully closed the doors and turned to Leela, who was looking petulant and fidgeting with the hilt of her knife in the centre of the room.

"After careful consideration I've decided that you can stay."

"Thank you, Doctor," Leela smiled at him and the Doctor found himself smiling back. It might be good for him to have her around, he'd been talking to himself recently and everyone knew what that meant. It would be good to have some intelligent company around the place, and while Leela almost certainly didn't constitute intelligent company he could talk softly and she could carry the big stick.

"Well, I suppose if you're staying we should find you somewhere to sleep," the Doctor stepped past Leela and opened the interior door.

Leela peered out into the corridor, "how big is this box?" 

"Box? Box! This is my TARDIS!"

"Alright, alright," Leela said in the tone of voice one would use to settle a startled animal. The Doctor supposed that he should be rather offended by that.

"And as for how big it is," the Doctor shrugged, "I'll let you know when I've found out." 

"Come on," he took Leela's arm and guided her through the open door, "I'll show you around."

The Doctor stopped just outside the console room. Where, he wondered, would be the best place to start when showing the wonders of the TARDIS to someone who in evolutionary terms had only just mastered pointy sticks? After careful consideration he decided to start with the door directly opposite them.

He opened the door and was surprised to find himself facing the swimming pool. The TARDIS had obviously been amusing herself by moving rooms about when he wasn't paying attention again.

Leela rushed past him, delighted. "A lake! You have a lake onboard, why are there no fish in it?"

"Because it's not a lake, Leela, it's a swimming pool." The Doctor mimed a front crawl; Leela gave him a funny look. It didn't matter from what point in history or from what planet he picked up his human travelling companions they all seemed to have mastered the same 'what on earth are you doing you scarf wearing lunatic' look. It must be some sort of genetic memory. 

"Swimming pool?"

"Yes, you know, for exercise or, ah, bathing." Before he could continue Leela had dived fully clothed, or at least her version of fully clothed, into the pool. The Doctor allowed that thought to ferment for a moment or two before consigning the thought of Leela and clothes to the part of his brain which stored the manual perfect way to fly a type 40 TARDIS and the memory of the time he was tortured by the squid people of Argolene 9 behind a sign that read do not think about.

He allowed Leela to swim a few lengths before tapping his foot against the tile, clearing his throat and saying, "there are things to see other than the bathroom, you know."

Leela hauled herself out of the water and shook her entire body, much in the manner of a hunting dog emerging from a river, drops of water flew from her hair and clothes.

"Towel?" the Doctor offered cheerfully. Leela accepted the proffered item, looked at it for a moment and then discarded it by throwing it over the top of a nearby plastic palm tree. "Suit yourself," he said, turning and heading out of the bathroom.

The Doctor strode confidently along the TARDIS corridors pointing out places of interest. Leela followed along behind him drip drying onto the floor.

"To the left is the cloisters, to the right the workshop, up there is the wardrobe. And if you follow those stairs down you reach the cricket field."

"Cricket?" 

"Yes, cricket," the Doctor spun to face Leela, "it's a game. I might teach it to you some day. Although," he gave Leela an obvious once over, "I get the feeling rugby might be more your game."

After the fifth left turn and at the bottom of the third flight of stairs Leela grabbed hold of the Doctors scarf in order to pull him to a halt. At least he hoped that was what she trying to do, if she was trying to throttle him it would make a rather inauspicious beginning to their travels.

"You're not trying to strangle me, are you?" he asked cheerfully, better to be safe then sorry.

"Doctor, where are we going?" Leela growled, actually growled. Which was quite an accomplishment, most humanoids didn't have the vocal chords for growling.

The Doctor threw open the door they'd arrived at, "the kitchen, I thought I'd better show you where it was in case you got hungry."

The kitchen was a mishmash of different times. The teasmade was from the 1950s, the microwave from the 23rd century. There were two blackened holes in one of the walls which had once been the food machines before a small accident during the development of the sonic screwdriver had rendered them to a collection of blackened circuitry. The Doctor began rooting around in the cupboards uncovering two bags of jelly babies, a box of a hundred tea bags and not much else. It seemed a short trip to somewhere with a shop was called for.

With his back to her and his head buried in a cupboard he asked Leela, "Why do you want to travel with me?" 

"Well, I like you."

"Of course you do. But that doesn't explain why you decided to break into my TARDIS and start pressing buttons." He slammed the cupboard door shut and opened the next one, he was sure that he'd put some food in here not long ago.

"After the truce with Tesh a new leader was needed and there was a suggestion that it should be me."

"Ah," the Doctor withdrew his head from the cupboard, "running away from unwanted responsibility, now that's something I do understand." 

"I would have been terrible."

"Yes, you would," the Doctor agreed, whirling round and grinning at Leela. "All in all I think you're far better off staying here with me."

With that he tossed her the one item of food he'd managed to scrounge from the bare cupboards (which just happened to be a packet of Jaffa Cakes) and strolled out of the kitchen, pretending not to hear Leela ripping open the plastic wrapping with her teeth. He was three levels up and halfway back to the console room when Leela caught up with him. He absentmindedly noticed that she'd managed to eat her way through two thirds of the biscuits, never mind he'd find her something that needed running away from soon enough. It was almost as if he was developing a knack for finding incredibly dangerous places to visit.

"Here we are," he stopped so suddenly that only Leela's quick reflexes saved her from walking into his back. The door he'd been searching for had once led to the armoury, a room he hadn't been in since he'd thrown all its contents into a passing star shortly after he and Susan had left Gallifrey. But it had seemed appropriate for Leela and so he had trailed her halfway to the heart of the TARDIS and back trying to remember where the right door was.

"In you go," he opened the door and ushered Leela inside. Last time he'd been here he'd left the room utterly empty but he usually left matters of interior decoration to the TARDIS and he trusted that she would have furnished the room with a bed and whatever else Leela needed. Which he later discovered amounted to a dart board and a set of darts. 

"Try to get some rest. I have to run a quick errand to Tesco but I'll come and fetch you when we get somewhere interesting." The Doctor loped back to the console room, leaving Leela standing in the doorway of her new room silently mouthing the unfamiliar word 'tesco.'


End file.
